so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
