carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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