everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
