You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
