He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
