i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
