Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
