I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
