Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
