you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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