you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
