I haven't been this sober since birth.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
