if you like me you must not know who I am
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
this just has baby written all over it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
