pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
