i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
