oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
