I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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