I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
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