My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
