k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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