I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
