He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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