Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
