someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
