are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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