If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
