The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
