Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
