our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
