I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
