Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
and you fell through a lawn chair
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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