last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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