What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
