I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
