I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
