I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
