YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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