I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
