Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
