I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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