im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
