My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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