I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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