Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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