Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
