foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
