Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
