today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
