he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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