You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
