grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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